I recently took my first holiday since April 2009 and it was long-overdue. I had decided to take up the very kind offer of my friend Alfonso to go and celebrate the festival of San Fermin in his home town of Pamplona, Navarra an autonomous region the north of Spain. I had a brilliant time and there were many highlights, far more than I had taken photos of or made short films on Vimeo or YouTube.
It was great to catch up with some dear friends, eat well, take some sun, suffer sleepless nights in Madrid and have experiences just like old times when I used to live there. Experiencing the traditionally brilliant Spanish hospitality, going up to Uharte Arakil and Pamplona in Navarra, a day out in San Sebastian and having time to talk a lot with people close to me helped clarify many things about my life and where I’m going.
A Week In Spain
July 20th, 2010Great Expectations
July 19th, 2010Whilst away in Spain and with time to think over things I was able to reach a simple conclusion about my previous relationship which helped set me free. Essentially I had realised that in the mind of my ex that I was “not good enough” and consequently “not worth it” when it came to continuing the relationship. It’s probably more than likely that following on that she would have thought “I could do better” after being told so by those close to her and so once her mind was made up there was nothing I could do that would change that. It wasn’t very hard to take, it just became clear to me that was what she had tried to tell me in not such brutal words. If I was “good enough” then she would have been prepared to make a go of it with me as I had certainly been prepared to make adjustments and do pretty much whatever it took, but finally I understood that because I was not “good enough” to her, it was pointless that I had tried and it felt like in a moment much of the hurt and pain had gone from inside me. Knowing she was in Madrid at the same time as me didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would, probably we had made our last contact for a long time in a few messages we exchanged on Facebook after I had removed her from my “friends list”. I do miss her and her family but I had come to realise that her family was no longer my family and that it’s best to just leave things as they are. If I’m not good enough for her, then I know I’m surely good enough for someone else and that’s the attitude I have to take now.
As far as my new relationship goes, I had doubts, I was looking to find something wrong with Nerea and it was making me uneasy but I realised that I was thinking the wrong way, instead of being defensive and trying to find the “fatal flaw” in her, thinking about who and what she isn’t. Instead I thought about the positives and the good things, of which there are many and that made me feel good and the only conclusion I could draw was that she was and is a wonderful person. Seeing her home village, experiencing some of her Basque culture and celebrating San Fermin all contributed to the feeling that this is the kind of person, with the kind of background and culture – in addition the things I already knew – that I’d like to enjoy living life with.
Deliverance
July 18th, 2010Several weeks after moving into my flat some mail for people who don’t live here was still arriving. Knowing that postman wasn’t likely to take them back and also seeing that there was a postcard from Japan and a letter to someone else that contained a card, I decided to try to track these people down and forward their mail, just as a way of earning some good karma. As a permanent renter I certainly would like someone to do that for me so I logged on to Facebook and found one match so I wrote a brief message asking if they ever lived here and I’d forward the card. Sadly I couldn’t get the Japanese person down though.
A few days later I got a reply saying they’re on another street, almost the same name, same flat number and upon realising it’s on the way to my work I said “no worries, I’ll post it on my way home”. Later I got a message of thanks saying “gracias” and that was the point I realised the person was from Spain despite having a weird-sounding name (later I discovered it was because she was Basque). I replied in Spanish essentially saying “no bother” and that I’d lived in Madrid. A reply asked “I’m curious, where are you from?” and from that began a brief exchange of messages every few days for a about two weeks. We decided to meet for a drink at our local pub, “The Hill” which conveniently is about half way between our flats.
We instantly connected and the night passed quickly as the beer and conversation easily flowed. When it was time to leave I invited her for Spanish omelette the following evening, a Saturday, after she got back from work.
A day later we had a good dinner, the wine flowed, we vibed and it felt good to have made a new friend and in return I was invited for dinner later that week at hers. Again we had a Spanish, she cooked a lovely meal and I had some delicious Spanish ham (jamon) from the region that her family was from and that mother had sent. I told her that by coincidence on of my good Spanish friends is from Pamplona, the capital of region Navarra and not far from her home village Uharte Arakil.
A few more dinner exchanges, we watched a Spanish movie on FilmFour one of the nights and things were going pretty cool with this new friendship.
Almost a month had passed since we met and I was invited by her for dinner on my birthday after saying that I had made no plans. I had turned 34, my colleagues at work bought me a surprise cake (two in fact, with candles too!), there was an election taking place in the UK and I just felt something was about to change, that I was at some pivotal moment in my life.
Once more the food was delicious, we clicked and yakked away usual and before we noticed like several times we’d met before we were into the early hours. Upon this realisation I got up and began to make my excuses as I had work to go to the following morning. As I put on my coat I thanked her for her thoughtful present, a couple of books – Winter in Madrid, and The Age Of Absurdity – which were seemingly telepathic choices.
I had it in my mind that tonight we would either continue as friends and any lingering tension, anticipation, joy and excitement of meeting someone attractive and of the opposite sex would dissipate, or I could actually do something about it. So just as I was leaving I turned, looked into her eyes and said “well do I get my birthday kiss now?” The walls that stood between us suddenly collapsed and a minute or two later off I went home having experienced a great moment and a truly memorable day.
We’ve been continuing our cooking exchange, had dinner a few more times and things are going quite well. I’m not sure exactly where it’s going but happy to enjoy the moment and be in a new relationship.
Looking Back, Going Forward
June 3rd, 2010It’s hard to believe, that a year’s gone by, feels like yesterday. Strange how it seems, I knew back then, I’d feel this way today.
It’s been extremely difficult, I’ve been through every emotion and with great hindsight, if I could turn back the clock and change things I would, however knowing what I now know, I would say that for the effect it has had on me, it has been worth it. I am more like my old self, events have conspired to bring out the best in me once more and I’m in many ways much like the 27-year old guy who had everything together, worked-out and had so much love to give. It’s just a terrible shame it took the break-up of the relationship for me to realise how far away from the person she fell in love with that I became. Then again, she wasn’t the person I fell in love with either…
My three moves since leaving London, to live with my family, in Birmingham and now Dublin have each taught me something about myself, my relationship with others and helped me to find myself and the things I want to achieve in my life a little better.
Through it all I’ve emerged much stronger mentally and emotionally although physically the lack of exercise has made me weaker!
The knowledge of surviving, choosing life and a new direction over the easy option of sinking, wallowing into doubt, self-pity and depression has at least given me something to feel proud of, although I would rather prefer not to still walk alone. Even as time and lack of contact continues to make us both more distant she will always be a special part of my life for the way she enriched it.
A new relationship must be allowed to form, the walls that were built around my heart to protect me must now be destroyed in order that they don’t imprison it and prevent someone else from coming in and loving me. If I fail I will not be able to progress and learn how to love again but I’m hopeful that both the hands and sands of time will heal (albeit with some permanent scarring).
Overworked
April 27th, 2010For most of the last 4 weeks from Monday to Thursday I’ve been working from 0900 to about 2030 as the company works towards an immovable mid-May deadline. They’ve treated us to free takeaways, pizza or oriental from various places but I’ve not had much of a life outside of work during the week.
It’s been a very intense period and for the most part time has flown but being effectively banned from taking vacation before this project goes out, and with it having been so long since I went on holiday, my nerves are starting to get frayed.
On the weekends I don’t feel like doing anything because I’m so tired of it all, but I force myself to at least stick to a routine and try to get out and about. Thankfully there’s been a few people I’ve met who are like shining beacons and they’ve made things more bearable and fun.
The end is at least in sight now and I’ve been told by a colleague who’s worked there for 9 years that only 3 whole weeks have passed in all his time when he had to work outside of office hours of 0900 to 1730 so I’m hoping things will improve soon. I remind myself that it’s not so bad because at least now I can take comfort that I’m getting paid far more than I really need every month.