Whilst away in Spain and with time to think over things I was able to reach a simple conclusion about my previous relationship which helped set me free. Essentially I had realised that in the mind of my ex that I was “not good enough” and consequently “not worth it” when it came to continuing the relationship. It’s probably more than likely that following on that she would have thought “I could do better” after being told so by those close to her and so once her mind was made up there was nothing I could do that would change that. It wasn’t very hard to take, it just became clear to me that was what she had tried to tell me in not such brutal words. If I was “good enough” then she would have been prepared to make a go of it with me as I had certainly been prepared to make adjustments and do pretty much whatever it took, but finally I understood that because I was not “good enough” to her, it was pointless that I had tried and it felt like in a moment much of the hurt and pain had gone from inside me. Knowing she was in Madrid at the same time as me didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would, probably we had made our last contact for a long time in a few messages we exchanged on Facebook after I had removed her from my “friends list”. I do miss her and her family but I had come to realise that her family was no longer my family and that it’s best to just leave things as they are. If I’m not good enough for her, then I know I’m surely good enough for someone else and that’s the attitude I have to take now.
As far as my new relationship goes, I had doubts, I was looking to find something wrong with Nerea and it was making me uneasy but I realised that I was thinking the wrong way, instead of being defensive and trying to find the “fatal flaw” in her, thinking about who and what she isn’t. Instead I thought about the positives and the good things, of which there are many and that made me feel good and the only conclusion I could draw was that she was and is a wonderful person. Seeing her home village, experiencing some of her Basque culture and celebrating San Fermin all contributed to the feeling that this is the kind of person, with the kind of background and culture – in addition the things I already knew – that I’d like to enjoy living life with.
